The Raven Loonies

At the Radium last night, Isadora, Gina, Bella and I decided to stop talking about our Band, and start practicing instead. Our name was going to be The Red Hot Flushes but Isadora says it sounds a bit desperate, and she’s the leader so we’re going to be The Raven Loonies instead. Like those Robert Palmer shoowop girls with the red lipstick, but a bit more modest and animated. Not nun-modest, mind, because it’s a sin to let genuine god-given cleavage go to waist, and not Red Hot Chilli Peppers-animated because that’s just not dignified for ladies of our quality.

We spent most of the evening practicing in the cage-like entrance (because, suddenly, there’s no smoking at the Radium. Incredible but true. This is just a fad I’m sure) watching cop-cars scream past, fending off glue sniffers and encouraging besotted fans who wanted our autographs but were too shy to ask. There was even an estate agent among them. I honestly did not know that estate agents listened to Blues but there he was, pinned happily to the bars. “All I want is a room somewhere,” we sang, “Far away from the cold night air…” and he listened, captive, wide-eyed.

Jacky Bond and Wayne Coughlan didn’t mind too much although Jacky said if we were going to be a band we’d need to look up harmony in the dictionary. We think he might just be feeling a little threatened, though, and we won’t hold it against him. He’s also a bit peeved that we know all the words to Summertime and have to write them down for him on serviettes when someone requests it. He’ll come round. He has to, because we’re going to recruit them on a temporary basis for the instrument stuff, which we don’t do yet.

One charitable aim (there are others) of The Raven Loonies is to visit old age homes and bring succour to the frail and the forgotten. Rock Chik Rox says anybody wanting to do away with a cantankerous and incontinent elder will be glad to hear it. We don’t much like her tone, and she’s sixteen so how can she even know what incontinent means?

Anyhow, next time you see a crowd outside the Radium, it won’t be because The Raven Loonies are playing there, it’ll be because there’s still no smoking allowed inside the Radium. But if you see a crowd outside the Rus ‘n Bietjie Sentrum Vir Bejaardes or any similar establishment, you’ll know it’s The Raven Loonies. Come in, give generously, and get autographs ok?