Now look here. They dedicate entire months to that Burns fellow, but not even a single hour to William McGonagall, Poet Laureate of the Silvery Tay. I find this shocking.
It is said that William Topaz McGonagall was "so giftedly bad he backed unwittingly into genius". He was a legend in his own lifetime, fearlessly reciting anti-alcohol poems in Dundee drinkeries and elsewhere across the world. Despite peltings of rotten eggs and vegetables, he pursued his vocation with vigour and commitment until the day he died.
So, here at Pandora’s, I decree that the 12th of January will not be my birthday anymore. I am giving it to William McGonagall, and it will be known henceforth as Silvery Tay Day. I’ll accept no more diamonds, no more pearls, as gifts. No more fine French perfume, if you please. I’ll take only bad poems, and very bad ones indeed, on the 12th day of any given January from now until my end. There will be a Competition, we’ll have a guest judge and it will be… I haven’t decided yet, and the worst poem will win a Floating Title, and that title will be called… I haven’t decided yet.
All interested parties had better get started. Forty lines or thereabouts, there’s not a purple moment to lose here. As an example of what you’re up against, I give you: The Railway Bridge Of The Silvery Tay, a Poem by William McGonagall:
The Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay
BEAUTIFUL Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
With your numerous arches and pillars in so grand array
And your central girders, which seem to the eye
To be almost towering to the sky.
The greatest wonder of the day,
And a great beautification to the River Tay,
Most beautiful to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
That has caused the Emperor of Brazil to leave
His home far away, incognito in his dress,
And view thee ere he passed along en route to Inverness.
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
The longest of the present day
That has ever crossed o'er a tidal river stream,
Most gigantic to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
Which will cause great rejoicing on the opening day
And hundreds of people will come from far away,
Also the Queen, most gorgeous to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
And prosperity to Provost Cox, who has given
Thirty thousand pounds and upwards away
In helping to erect the Bridge of the Tay,
Most handsome to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
I hope that God will protect all passengers
By night and by day,
And that no accident will befall them while crossing
The Bridge of the Silvery Tay,
For that would be most awful to be seen
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
And prosperity to Messrs Bouche and Grothe,
The famous engineers of the present day,
Who have succeeded in erecting the Railway
Bridge of the Silvery Tay,
Which stands unequalled to be seen
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.
- William McGonagall
But that’s not all. There is a sequel, because, alas, the Tay Bridge collapsed a year later, in 1879. I’ll post it tomorrow.
P.S. Does anyone know if there’s a video shop in Jozi that has a DVD of ‘The Great McGonagall’, with Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers?
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5 comments:
I'd bet that Video Spot in Dowerglen, or else their other flagship branch in Craighall would be bound to have it (if it has been released on DVD, that is). I have thier phone numbers if you need them.
Thanks man. I tried both but no luck.
Have you started writing a terrible poem yet?
I think the only type of poem I can produce is a terrible one, so I should have one squeezed out any day now.
I have a submission I admittedly plagiarised from a good friend. I would never tell her what I thought about the poem though! What can be worse than plagiarised bad poetry. I changed an odd word or two to render it submissible for this competition or it might have won a Booker Prize or something alike. To the organiser of this competition: What do you mean there's no two days and two days in Las Vegas up for grabs?
Ode to a Lurgy (or "I have an Allergy" - for the novice of grand literature).
Dribble dribble (squible)
Snort and snivel (mucus),
Rhinitis is my lot (Oh, how I wish for a whiskey tot)).
My eyes is red (I can no longer focus)
My head is dead (the rest of my body can't stay ahead)
I gotta lotta snot (now where is that bloody tot?.
* Squible - neologism thought out by the poet (that's me). It is a word for excessive dribbling. Like when u really have a bad flu!
Once upon a time there was a little boy who ran barefoot through the veldt, flying his toy jetplanes to all sorts of exotic destinations. He’d crash them into thornbushes occasionally, but that never stopped his passengers from coming back for more. Dearest Dio, when are you going to write these stories down, together with the bits about Samsung TVs floating down the river in Korea, and that time when Churchill almost drowned in Pretoria, and the bits about South Africans at the rugby in France. And other things besides?
(We might soon be without any jetplanes at all, inconceivable as it may be, and jetplanes have been grand on the whole, it’s not their fault they’re a bit of a strain on the troposphere. We’ll be sad to see them go)
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